Prerogative
by Hikari of Hearts
Summary: And then you see that lake behind your house, or that butcher knife on the kitchen table. The thought of living with those memories becomes so unforgivable, so disgusting, so unbearable.


**Disclaimer: In no way, shape, or form, do I own Kingdom Hearts. Also, I don't own 'One Day I'll Fly Away'.**

Her wisps of auburn hair shadowed her eyes as she looked down at the paper. It was her choice, and she knew that. Her pen went to the paper…

**XPrerogativeX**_  
revised edition_**x**

People are always asking 'what if?'. What if the sky was red, what if I was a boy, what if I gained 10 pounds? Trivial questions that don't really matter in the end, but still seem so important when we are younger. But really, many things are important when we are young. If we want to sit on the middle cushion in the couch, if we lost a sticker that was just going to be thrown away that night, or even if we want to wear a shirt backwards, it means the world to us. Yet once we grow older, these things become so silly, almost nonexistent, and we smirk upon those small kids, scoffing at ourselves, wondering if we did that as well.

Maybe…that is the problem with my island. Is it wrong to be a kid? Is it wrong to hold on to child hood dreams, clinging to the small 'what ifs' that we pray to come true? Perhaps _I am wrong_; too naïve to realize that there is a larger world out there. Something…beyond my comprehension. After all, it is condemned throughout the school hallways. The poetry, the inspirational posters that seem to contradict themselves, and the code of conduct that we are forced to sign- everything. Everything tells us that it won't matter in 30 years if we were poor, or rich, or had a lot of friends, or a bike, but that we will be just as happy if we had all of those things.

_I follow the night,_

_Can't stand the light,_

_When will I begin,_

_To live again?_

But what about the memories? If you were never got a bike, how would you commit to mind the never-fading skill of bike riding? Or the sting of your knee when you tripped over the wheel and ended up on the sidewalk? If you didn't have friends, there wouldn't be any embarrassing moments, any goof ups to make you feel better, and most importantly, the laughter and assurance that tell you they were always going to be there.

If we don't have these memories, those little, yet invincible things, slowly, our emotions are cut from us.

No bike, no pride of achievement.

No friends, no true reassurance.

No hardship, no sense of realism.

No guilt, no honor.

And the list goes on. Soon, it gets down to the most important emotion. Love. Panic invades your lungs, and all of the 'what ifs' of childhood come streaming back. All the times you sat alone at lunch. All the times you were whispered about. All the times there was no one there when you came home. The guilt you felt because you didn't buy her a birthday present. All the times you couldn't talk to your dad because of pride. They keep piling up when resembling memories come to focus. It becomes unbearable, and the simple thought of living with those scars is frightening.

And then you see the lake that lies behind your house, that silver knife in the kitchen, or those pills your dad takes for migraines. Suddenly, all that remains in you is a puppet, one who is held up by wires that slowly cut into you the more you clench your hands. The knife gets closer. The dock shortens. The pill numbers lessen.

Plunge. Dive. Pop. Dead.

This has never happened to me. After all, I got to live in a life with you, wrapped up in a blanket of naiveté and happiness. Yet every once in a while, the age-old question would come back. What if I never came here? Would I be dead? What would become of Destiny Islands? What would it be like if I wasn't there. And the worst thought of all. You wouldn't know me. You wouldn't _need_ me. Then I shook myself, thinking that it was silly. Why don't I feel the same of Riku? What was that feeling that seemed to call out like the ocean swells? But before I could answer…you left me.

Our meeting was short, sparse, and left me craving your attention. For some reason, once I experienced the pureness of your heart, my love for you became clear. It was as if a magnet inside of us drew me to you, and the only things separating us were the stars.

Yet when I came back to my beloved island, the place that I called home- it was cold. The lushness and softness of the plants were gone. A freeze had killed them all. It seemed as though the same thing happened to the villagers. People started to cover up their scars from Kingdom Heart's atrocity, scorning those who bared their's proudly. They punished children who parried stick swords and battled on the beaches, telling them that violence would bring pain to them. Those swords lay buried in the sand.

People treated me differently as well, as if I was the spawn of evil, or a plague that could not be erased. If anything, they give me a harsh stare, and then look away quickly as if their eyes were never upon me. Others simply ignore me, turning their heads to the tiles on the floor or the plaster on the walls, as if I am a Medusa who would turn them to stone upon sight. Not one comment, not _one_, except for the usual 'excuse me' or 'sorry' muttered, has ever been shot in my direction by these former friends. Maybe the silence has made my hearing keen, because whispers cannot escape my ears.

I'd hear them hiss things under their breath, mumble at me in the hallways. It was always someone scandalized by my wardrobe, or a reproving comment about my grades. At first, I'd snort at them and keep walking, maybe join Selphie in the lunchroom. Until one day…

_I adjusted the stray locks that fell into my face with a hand, maneuvering the other so I could grip my lunch tray at the same time. The usual amount of noise filtered through the cafeteria, and students ambled on the grounds. A girl with a highlighted blonde hair cupped a hand to another girl's ear._

_I stiffened, straining my ears to hear what they were saying. This way, if it was a new rumor about me, I could stop it and spare myself from glares that came so regularly._

_I didn't know why I cared so much about what people think. Maybe, once I proved that they were wrong, when Sora came back, I didn't want them crawling at my feet. I wanted nothing to do with them. I just wanted them to stop, and talk about someone else._

_But strangely, I wasn't the subject of their conversations. Relaxing, I headed over to Selphie's usual table. She was there, but hadn't called out to me. She stirred her fork around in the…something she was eating, occasionally playing with a silver bracelet around her perfectly manicured hand. As I stood over her, she looked up. The energy that burned so cheerfully in her eyes seemed to die out as she looked over my outfit._

"_Why are you wearing that AGAIN?" she asked without so much as a 'hello'._

_I looked down at my outfit. I had worn a faded purple shirt and some jeans I had found under my bed the previous night. Tugging at it, I looked up at her reproachful face._

"_Is there anything wrong with it?" I asked, kicking my heels together as I stood there awkwardly, the tray still clutched in my hands._

"_You KNOW I like, hate that thing! Why didn't you wear that skirt I got you? God Kairi, you have like, no taste." She emphasized the last words, as though spitting acid on me._

_I became uncomfortably aware of the people staring at her continue on. My cheeks burned red hot, and I stared down at the dirty tile floors. Why did she always rat on me? Why couldn't she just leave me alone for once?_

"_And another thing, I can't believe you ditched me at the restaurant yesterday! I got a really hot guy to go with you, even after he saw your picture."_

_Anger burned under my skin as striking realization hit me. So this is why she was angry. But I was angry too. She knew that I didn't want anything to do with any guy. Why did she always try to force me?_

"_I told you I wasn't going to be there!" I exclaimed, my temper getting the best of me. "You know I hate blind dates!"_

"_Blind dates? How about, ALL dates! Ever since that girly Sora kid and Mr. Personality went away, you've been all sulky. Dear God Kairi, you don't have to get hung up over those two fags. It's not like they'll ever come back. I mean really-"_

_My jaw seemed to crack under the pressure my teeth were exerting on it as I gritted them down. How. Dare. She. Talk. About. Him._

"_Shut up!" I screamed, throwing the tray down on the table. I was so tired of her. So tired of all the nagging, the ratting, and the insults she threw at me. I was tired of her making hints of my insanity, tired of her scandalous looks at my outfits._

_She stopped mid sentence, looking up surprised. I had never had an outburst before. Never.. "I am so sick and tired of you. Just because you can't realize how fake and cheap you really are, doesn't mean YOU have to take it out on me!"_

_I waved a hand around angrily. "All of you! Acting as if Sora was some stupid kid who got killed on accident!"_

_Selphie regained her voice._

"_Oh please Kairi. Don't be such a drama queen." Selphie rolled her eyes, adjusting her charms. "You know what I've got to say-"_

"_I don't care what you say! What I'VE got to say is…" I ripped the friendship necklace off of my neck she had given me 3 years ago and threw it on the ground. I stamped on it until it gave a satisfying crack. "It's over."_

"_Excuse me?" she said in mock sadness. Her head cocked to one side, and flat-ironed hair flipped in her face. "Oh, and we were the best of friends, weren't we? I guess somebody can't keep up."_

_The cafeteria exploded with laughter and talk as the cafeteria doors slammed behind me. The hallway became longer behind me as I walked along, the colorful posters and flyers on the lockers unseen to me._

"_I don't need her." I told myself, and yet, my voice cracked. Why do I feel so empty?_

A haunting question began to tug at me, pushing at my heart and tugging on my soul. _If I didn't experience unhappiness in my childhood, then why does it insist on capturing me now?_ How could it be? All of the conclusions and calculations I had made with myself in this bitter silence, how could they all be incorrect? It seemed as if land had been pulled out behind me, and I was falling through confusion. Why did it seem to occur now? I was scared. All of this time, were my emotions just skimming across the top? I laughed, and I smiled, but why did I feel as if all of my memories meant nothing?

_One day I'll fly away,_

_Leave all this to yesterday,_

_What more could your love do for me?_

_When will love be through with me?_

Then horrible, heart-crushing realization fell upon me. None of those memories even _mattered_ to me. The only thing I had ever based my life on…was your existence. So what did I have left? If you were dead, would I become a ghost of Kairi? Is that the only reason Destiny Village changed? The only reason they hated me, was because of you? I have to admit to you, I hated myself. And I hated you. Curse you, for building up the confidence in me, for letting me forget my fears, for promising me all those things. Curse you for leaving me with empty hope.

No wonder this has happened. Since you were here, since all of the fragments of my heart were here, I couldn't experience unhappiness until you left. After all, when you were around, I was sweet, kind, shy! This was probably the only reason the mayor's wife adopted me, because I was the perfect little child, perfect for her perfect reputation. But now, I have become tainted by blood, tears, and the worst of all, rumors. Hell, I bet she would choose for me to eat dirt instead of pack me a lunch in the morning. But it's not like she's different from anyone else. Some of my best friends were close to me, but slowly, they faded away from me. Or maybe I pushed them away. At this point, I cannot say that I care.

Tidus and me didn't really talk very much. Once, he tried to teach me how to use a boomerang as a weapon. It didn't work too well, and I ended up slicing off one of his spiky locks. After that, he eyed me wearily behind Selphie and jumped and covered his hands with bony elbows if I talked to him from behind.

Selphie was always a nice girl. Shallow, high-strung, and whiny at times, but still nice. She listened to my feelings at first, and would always keep my secrets and back me if I messed up. A resounding friend. That's what people always called her. If only they knew. Now that I'd stopped wearing purple miniskirts and tight tops, it seems that she'd rather go on a date with Tidus then talk to me later. Much later. But, I suppose I can't blame her. She's always been a true romantic, dreaming of her wedding since she could speak. White blossoms, white dress, lilacs, and silver candlesticks. A white, white, white generic wedding. How many times have I heard it before? It seems that the only dream she had will come true. Lucky her.

Of course, I can't assume that it is only she. Many people search their entire lives for their beau or belle. Most of them meet them in college; have kids right afterwards, with low paying jobs, arguments, and never enough money to see the world like they dreamed of when they were younger. And it makes me wonder, why is that so desirable to them? Is that really what they want? Would they give up everything superficial, just to be with their loves and cling to a _new_ superficial? And I answer myself. No, I wouldn't want to wallow in a life just for love.

_Why live life,_

_From dream to dream?_

_And dread the day,_

_When dreaming…_

_Ends…_

Dear God, I am such a hypocrite. After all, I'm doing it right now, waiting for your return. It seems so silly, to hear me preaching about how we should be able to let go, when here I am, permanently glued to the spot where you left me. It's so damn annoying, being like this. If anybody actually does talk to me, it seems as though they tip toe around me like I'm going to start screaming at them if they say the wrong thing. I thought that everyone here would be able to let it go, and move on. I was depending on them to be happy for me. I depended on Selphie, being there to chat away and let me forget for a while. I depended on Tidus and Wakka, for always fighting, so I could giggle and cheer on someone. When I came back here, I hoped so hard that someone would be able to mend my heart back into the correct shape, make me forget for a while.

I didn't care that I wouldn't _really_ be happy. I just wanted a normal life, but as soon as I came back, I was alienated.

_It had been 2 weeks since the 'break'. The school was out for repairs caused by heartless, and I had been left to myself. Perhaps this was not a good thing. Maybe I needed people around me._

_It was so strange, this feeling. When I was with people, I wanted to be alone. When I was alone, I wanted to be surrounded with people._

_I let out a sigh, and brushed a crumb off of my skirt. The sound of the waves relaxed me through the window, and I closed my eyes. The recliner chair came a squeak as I leaned back on it. It was so soft and comfortable. _

_If I could just sleep for a bit…that would be nice._

_My feet echo loudly as I walk across a corridor. Thin sheets of glass pour down around me, just when I walk through them, they feel like water. Whispers erupt around me, getting louder and louder as I walk along. Yet I still can't understand them. They sound human, and are in my native tongue, yet their meaning escapes me._

_Kairi…_

_The name echoes throughout the hallways. It is quiet, so soft and desperate, I almost do not hear it. I turn my head every which way. It has no direction. It seems to whisper within my very soul. My reflection looks back at me. Water overflows on the floor, it slowly covers my bare feet. The water feels as though a thousand tiny white-hot knives are plunging into me. My skin erupts with hard bumps, and I shiver. It's so cold. I cannot breathe. I cannot think._

_Kairi…_

_My pace quickens just as the voice gets louder. It's tone…so vaguely familiar, and yet, so completely foreign. Only one thought runs through my head. I should know who it is. I should know what it is. _

_Kairi._

_The voice is much more abrupt. It is almost menacing, calling my name as if it would like nothing better than to hurt me. I begin to full out run, the water splashing up around me. Fear traces my thoughts, and the sound of my quickened heartbeat rings in my ears. The hairs on the back on my neck prickles, and I cross my arms in hopes to sustain some warmth, still running with all that I have._

_The pillars that line the walls suddenly cease, and I stagger to a halt, blinded by sunlight. I hear the familiar croon of the seagulls above, and the joyous travel of waves and their crash into the sea again. I hear the rumble of the ocean swells as they gain momentum, and their lapse back into calm waves. The light fades, and I crack my eyes open, still cautiously shielding my eyes with a frail hand. But as I lift my hand, a wonderful site greets me._

_The sky, tinged with purples and pinks, revolves around a setting sun. The dark ripples of the coming night look like navy blue velvet, diamonds set up in it's great multitude of the failing light. Clouds slowly approach overhead me, until they are behind me, and out of the reach of my eyes. The golden half moon of light that is the sun reflects in the water, continuing it's slow journey into the blue sea._

_But as my eyes slowly travel down to land, my gut retracts. A Kairi emanating bitterness stands across from me, her thin outline emblazed with gold. Her face is darkened by the dying sky, but I see her lips moving._

"_So, you have finally arrived."_

_Her voice, so weighed down with caustic bitterness feels as if it has been whispered and yelled in my ear. But how could that be? She is so far away._

"_Tell me, girl, what is it that you desire?" her pink tinted lips curve upward into a smirk._

_My lips move without my command, as if she is drawing them out of me like a snake._

_But no words leave my mouth, and a pregnant pause fills the air, slightly disturbed by the mooring sea._

"_So you cannot speak. But this is obvious, for the moment, you do not know. But I will tell you, with many tedious years, the answer will become clear. Slowly, you will turn gray and old, too tired to go on, but still existing through obligation. The voices of those who care will not be able to reach you, and you will shut out any chance of risk, any chance for love. You will suffer."_

_She laughs, as though this is one of the funniest things in the world. Her laugh is painful and harsh, and her voice cracks, as if she has not laughed in a very long time._

"_So, let me show you what you want." Her eyes look at me with disdain, but have a sense of humor in them. "It might be painless. I would not know. You see, I have slowly been killed by this intense reasoning, but to experience it in one second? We shall see."_

_A blade that is as short as from my frail fingers to my elbow, appears in my hands. A hook seems to pull me forward, and my hands make the motion of a snake about the strike. Fear lurches inside of me, and I realize._

_I am about to kill myself._

"_Is the blade turned towards you? Or inflicted on another?"_

_The dagger is plunged into her stomach, yet no sign of hate or fear or even pain flickers across her face. "Remember your wish."_

_The blood pours out around me, the stench nauseating me. My hands feel clammy against the blade, and I look up imploringly. But violet eyes do not meet my gaze. Cobalt blue hues look down at me. Sora slumps against me, the blood seeping onto my skirt. His blood._

_He whispers one question in my ear, a question that would plague me for four tiresome years. "Why..?"_

_I feel his head collapse onto my shoulder._

_I feel confusion and pain seethe through my veins._

_I feel the beautiful ocean dissipate along me._

_I feel my throat go raw as I scream hoarsely._

_I feel… I feel…_

"_Kairi?" my mother's voice called quietly from outside the living room. This was also something else I would have to get used to. When ever I entered a room or approached her, her voice would get oddly quiet, as if I was on my death bed._

_I jolted up, the memories of the dream folding in over me._

_She looked at me tentatively. "Are…are you alright?"_

_I shake my head, trying to rid the images from it._

"_I'm...fine. Just fine."_

_That dream…God it was awful! How could I ever…_

_But what happened in the first place?_

_And who did I kill? The memory of the dream was leaking slowly out of her mind, like trying to hold water in your hands._

"_Are you sure? Do you feel bad?" She inquired._

_I pulled the sweaty hair off the back of my neck, flipped it over the recliner seat, and turned awkwardly over to face her._

"_I'm feeling fine. It's…nothing."_

_But was it?_

I wish so many things now. I wish that I could be free from all this mess. I wish you two…were here. I wish that life was just…normal again! I'm so tired of it all. I just want to be free from you, yet you gave me all those promises, and I feel so hooked in. It's as if I'm trapped in a cage. I beat myself against these bars until I'm bloody and bruised, but unless you give me the key, I can't get out. I just get to watch the people go on with their normal lives. People rattle their sticks on this cage of mine, interrupting my sleep, and my health. The freshness that used to sparkle in me seems to have disappeared. It leaves me feeling so sick and dirty.

So as I run to the screaming pits of hell, the rushing salty moors, the tops of glassy mountains, it makes me wonder why I never questioned to stop.

Today I went back to the island. It has changed in 10 years. Seagulls no longer soar through the air, and the small animals that habitated the island were not beatling through the pathways as they used to. The shack lays in ruin, its strong wooden walls destroyed when a hurricane ravaged the islands. I walked along the water fall and climbed up the rotting ladder. Through out the constant and terrifying reckage, one detail, although so miniscule and so dwarfed to the destruction of the tree houses, had slipped past my recognition. The papao tree, once angled in a straight, smooth curve, now lay dry and black, rotted with festering water, bent in half, it's shiny leaves now limp and hanging on with no real resignation.

And through that, I was speechless. I acknoledged my knees hitting the sand, but I could not feel it. I could tell that my hands were clawing at the ground, but I could not stop it. Sand wedged under my finger nails, the rocks gouged and scraped my skin until it was shiny and raw, but it never occured I could release myself, simply walk away and continue on. I did not stop until my hands clasped wood, and with all the strength I never did have, I pulled a wooden sword from the sand.

The fruits of all my effort came to light. All I had gained from this hurt and pain...was a child's toy.

Through writing this letter, I have come to a realization. I have always felt so obligated to love you, to wait for you. But am I happy doing this? If I love you so much, why does your simple name seem bitter to my mouth when it leaves my lips? Why does it leave me with a knot in my stomach, instead of swooping hope? I could never say I hate you, but did I ever consider the fact that I truly love you?

Yes… I have established that. I do love you. But if you think that I am willing to waste away for love, all these years apart have gotten to you. If you love me, you will know that it's the best thing we can do. The Paopu tree is dead. The fruit is rotten, and has fallen into the sea, and is gone forever.

I sorry. I can't keep waiting.

Someday, I'll be ready to accept you're gone, and with that, I'll be able to love you again. And maybe, once I've crossed into another world, we'll be together. Don't worry, I could never forget you, and you'll always be in the back of my mind. But now, I need to learn to be happy without you. It's time for me to live.

_-Kairi_

_The empty coffee dregs,_

_The stale recycled air,_

_The fact she almost caught him,_

_The fact that he was there._

_The drafty open door,_

_The heart was left so broken,_

_The silence was untouched,_

_The words were left unspoken._

_The blood upon the pavement,_

_A pit left in the sand,_

_The tears upon the life,_

_That rested in her hands,_

_The plan that has been ruined,_

_The doubt that screwed up fate,_

_The life they could've have,_

_If she'd had a little faith._

Hi people! I know I haven't updated in a while, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that…I'm reallly busy. I have Craftsman due, Social Studies fair, Spanish fair, Animal Research Debate, and I'm planning a surprise party for my friend. It's like I barely have any time in the day. I can't say that this is _really_ good, but it's better than that mess of the first heartstrings. I tried to be less melodramatic, to no avail. XD I also decided to call it Prerogative, for obvious reasons. I hated the ending. It was so awful, and so short. I just didn't feel like adding more. I'm so lazy. And I hated my description of the beach. It was so awesomely bad; I can't even describe how bad it was! I'm so hopeless. Well, if you feel it deserves, please review my story. It would mean a lot to me.


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